It's Me Against The World Today

The Freak Has Mixed Feelings.
I'm sad, because I'm stuck in a "shelter"
where my only freedom comes behind a locked door.
Is that even freedom at all?
I have to hide my IM conversations from everyone,
but at least I'm having them again.
Suddenly, my friends are starting to care about me, or something.
That's a nice feeling,
too bad I didn't have that feeling during my first attempt at college.
I probably would've stayed.
But then again, would I have felt this way there too?
The girls on my floor all seemed so snobby,
and my RA's had absolutely no sympathy.
One of them kept trying to tell me how much more her life sucked than mine.
Okay, so it's sad that she was in foster care and lived in the ghetto,
but that didn't make me feel lucky.
My family situation isn't exactly enviable either.
So. My mom took me out again today.
I bought the original version of "The Shining" at WalMart.
All the horror movies are cheap now since it's almost October.
I feel like watching it right now,
but it's 11:00, and watching horror movies too late at night
has led to some terrifying hallucinations.
Not just dreams, but undescribable things on the walls,
and standing by the side of my bed.
Ah, what the hell, I'll go for it.
Horror movies always make me feel better,
because then I can think at the end,
"At least my life isn't THAT bad."
...But close. Kinda.

Oooh, PS. UC got my application! Now all I gotta do is wait for them to decide. That's the hard part. A stupid piece of paper could have the possibility to define the rest of my young life.

Faces Come & Faces Go, But None Seem To Look My Way

The Freak Is Confused.
Gosh, where WAS everyone today?
Something very wrong has happened to my group of friends.
It seems like they aren't really a "group" anymore.
I was happily greeted and glomped quite a few times...
but only individually.
There wasn't a cluster of crazy kids happy to see me,
only a few odd wanderers I happened to run into.
And I never saw you-know-who...
It was tragically sad, but I expected it.
On the car ride back, I tried hard not to cry.
But I complained enough to annoy my mother.
Then, when I got back to the house,
I realized the address to UC was still in my pocket.
I can't remember if I gave it to the counselor or not...
So I emailed her frantically with the address
as soon as I could...
Wouldn't I look stupid if she opened that email,
then replied saying I had given her the address...
...and she gave it back to me, and I just blanked out?
Seriously, I barely remember being there.
I just remember the disappointment.
What a disaster.

I Feel So Far From Where I've Been

The Freak Is Freaking Out
Yeah, it's me. Up late again.
Okay, so it's not really late.
But the other people here go to bed at like, 8 at the latest.
I'm craving a fruit salad so bad,
but we're not allowed to eat in our rooms. =(
Maybe I'll venture out into the dark, creepy house
when I'm done with this blog.
So. Tomorrow I go back to visit my old high school.
It's only to get my transcript sent to UC,
[and NKU as an alternate, but I really don't wanna go there.]
but I'm gonna visit my friends at the same time.
Everyone's trying to convince me that I'll still be remembered,
but I don't believe 'em.
Maybe some people will remember who I am,
but will they remember everything we've experienced together?
It's sad to think I could've just been the 'girl of the moment,'
who everyone paid attention to until someone better came along.
There's lots of 'better' people for my friends to hang around,
people that would help erase me from memory.
God, I sound so effing dramatic,
but that's how I'm feeling.
Tackle-hugging my old best friend [and not-so-secret crush, ack]
and being pushed away?
What a crushing blow that would be.
I'll let you know what happens.
Now, to tackle that fruit salad =)

You're Right There, But It's Like You Never Knew Me

The Freak Is [Really] Home.
Today, I woke up in my own bed. Okay...my own couch.
The girl's house & the guy's house went on a day trip.
I found it quite pointless...
I mean, they're driving 3 1/2 hours away
to spend a couple hours out for lunch.
Plus, long car rides + me do NOT get along.
Sooo...the staff people let me come home for the day.
I can come visit here whenever, I just can't live here.
They dropped me off at some insane hour, before 8 A.M.
I was up until 2 or 3 last night coughing,
so needlesss to say I was incredibly tired.
I opened the door and practically passed out on the couch,
with Willie [my cat] trying to find a comfortable position close to my head.
I slept for 3 hours, and woke up when my dad came in.
He didn't say anything to me at all.
Usually that wouldn't bother me,
but lately he's telling my mom that he wants to be "an involved father."
Yet when I'm around, he acts like I'm invisible.
*cough* Hypocrite. *cough*
I'm glad they're splitting up.
Then it'd be more likely that my mom would take me back.

We Were Meant To Live For So Much More

The Freak Can't Sleep.
Yeah. It's 12.08 A.M. as I'm typing this.
The night staff [my "wardens"] usually forget about me,
since I'm only depressed, I don't throw violent fits like most of the people here.
But sometimes it'd be nice to get a little attention.
Sorry for complaining, but I feel rather suckish tonight.
I've been sick for the last 3 days,
just when I thought I was coming to an emotional breakthrough.
So much for not being afraid anymore.
I am scared out of my freaking mind.
I sent off the check to my college-of-choice today.
The directory where I found it says
"About 85% of people are accepted."
It would tear me apart to be one of those 15% who receive a rejection letter.
I applied to another place that will most likely take me,
but it's not something I can look at excitedly,
it's more of a last resort to escape this mental prison.
Never before have I regretted the grades I got in high school,
I thought B's and the occasional C was normal.
Yeah. The "normal" people here are in community college...
...in the same towns they grew up in all their lives.
That won't happen to me. I want to BREAK OUT!
Normally I'm not the religious type,
but I pray the UC admissions team will have sympathy for my case.
Or at least judge more on ACT scores than my GPA.
Then, I may have a chance.
Until I find out for sure what their decision will be,
I'm sure there will be more late-night blogs to come.